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Today I locked myself out of my house.  I'm not saying that because it was a rare incident because I happen to lock myself out of my house all the time.  My house or my car.  Or other people's cars.  Basically anywhere that requires a lock and key.  That is why I have spares for everything that requires a key.  I have them hidden or kept safely in the junk drawer in my kitchen, and I have them distributed among friends or family members.  The reason I got locked out today is not because I don't have a spare key.  The reason I got locked out today is because that spare was left inside on the table by the front door right next to my everyday key, where they both stared at me mockingly through the window.  And my backup spare key is four hours away.  Now, it's not unusual for me to leave my key inside but the reason I left my spare there is because I had not put it back in its supersecret spot after using it just two days ago, when I was locked out because I had left my keys in my car.  Which I had locked.  So, you see, two days ago I had to use my spare hide-a-key to let myself into my house so I could put down the load of groceries (and jacket and water bottle and purse, etc.) I was holding, then go back out to my car and use that spare hide-a-key to retrieve my master keys and the rest of my groceries. 

Are you following this?

So in spite of knowing my weakness and trying to avoid its traps, in spite of my backup plans (and backup backup plans), it was the weakness itself that spited me. 

Did I mention that it was raining today?

So the one time in a year and a half of living here that I am for real locked out and left staring into my windows and wondering, what now?... it is also raining.  It was raining when I walked around the building to finagle every window for a possible entry (to no avail) and it was raining when I finally had my building manager meet me out front with a key.  I was a wet, pathetic sight to behold.

Isn't that just the way life seems to go a lot?

Maybe it's just me, but it seems like a lot of times in life not only do I get the short end of the stick or dig myself into holes or get the rug pulled out from under me (not literally, of course), but it is also raining.  It's probably not just me.  Still, it is those desperate times that I am left to find myself a wet, pathetic creature facing helplessness, shame, loneliness and discouragement in the mirror.  That is when I ask some of the toughest questions of God and life and myself.  And those are the answers I fear most.  I know in my gut that it's not supposed to be this way-- I'm not supposed to be this way-- and yet here we are.

The Bible tells us that in times like those we are to "rejoice" and "consider it pure joy," etc.  But usually those warm fuzzies don't come until after the wet pathetic.  I find myself saying of days like today, "it's not funny, yet."  Maybe that's just me.  I mean, I know that everything will be alright and that everything else in life has somehow worked out thus far, but when you are in the meantime it is hard to remember those things.  Not impossible, just hard.  Especially when it is raining.  There are so many other things to think about. 

Then I find myself here later, inside and looking out that same window I was peering into hours ago.  The view is different from here.  It is safe and warm and dry and although I have not escaped myself and my weaknesses (i.e. my proclivity for locking myself out), I have escaped despair.  In fact, I dare say the whole thing is funny now.  And I imagine that's one step closer to "pure joy" than I was before.

I feel that in order to say what I am about to, I first need to qualify it by saying 1) this is not directed at anyone in particular because it happens a lot and 2) I understand that weddings are expensive.  Now my point: it really bothers me when I do not get an "and guest" on wedding invitations.  The only reason I would not is because I am not married or in a serious relationship, which in and of itself is the very reason I should get to bring a date.  It's like saying, "I am throwing a romantic party and there will be dancing and I want you to come.  Alone.  And if you don't feel single enough, there will be an opportunity to stand in a herd with all the other unmarried women so I can throw my beautiful flowers in your general direction."  I mean, it only seems polite to allow a girl the opportunity at least to have an actual man on her arm when the slow songs play or when she sits at a table full of strangers or bumps into her ex, who is a mutual friend of the happy couple.  Otherwise it's like going stag to the prom and being one of a kind who was never given the option of bringing a date in the first place.  Very few people actually wanted to go to the prom alone.

I came to the realization at work yesterday, when a lady asked me to refill her hot water twice before I left the table, that sometimes my job is just humiliating.  A lot of times it is empowering, especially when I think about how I often get the chance to affect people and how I am in charge of my own little domain-- that is, providing a dining experience-- but sometimes I feel like the reigns get yanked away and I become viewed as nothing more than a mindless workhorse, smiling and nodding.  Then last night my friend, a graphic designer, talked about how it irks her when a coworker sort of plays at her job by doodling because she feels a lack of respect for her talent and education and experience.  Now I think that there is probably a time when everyone thinks their job is humiliating.